From Walls to Bridges
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Bridges and Walls
One of the spiritual practices I struggle most with is detachment. Before I began my recovery journey from codependency, I didn’t see detachment as a spiritual practice that I wanted or needed in my life. For too many of my formative years, I felt like I was constantly detaching from and losing people and places that were important to me. I questioned why I would want to intentionally detachment myself from anyone or anything. Instead, I over attached myself to everyone and everything.
In reflecting, I believe my birth story set me up for a lifetime of disordered attachment and inability to detach with love. Being severed before I was even connected left me constantly searching for someone, someplace, and something I could attach myself to.
While all babies are born completely dependent, as a premature baby, the first attachment I learned was to the tubes and monitors in my incubator that kept me alive. I was totally dependent on the nurses and doctors who knew how those things worked. My secondary attachments were to my parents, family and friends when I came home, about a month after I was born.
This sense of separation was reinforced by the fact that within the first 11 years of my life my family moved 7 times. Roughly 8 of those 11 years were long distance from my extended family who we would visit a couple of times a year. By the time I was 18, the longest I had lived anywhere was 6 years. Throughout my 20s, I moved roughly every 2 years including to South America which created a whole new layer of separation.
All of this movement became a source of personal pride. I saw myself as a strong, resilient, independent person who was adaptable. I was a good observer of people, and I developed a deep capacity for listening as it was much safer to listen to people than reveal myself to them. I learned how to adapt my behavior so that I would fit in more quickly. I learned how to read faces and tone of voice and adjusted what I said or did in order to be accepted.
I felt that detachment, as I understood it then, had served me well in that it protected me from heartache and loss in the face of always starting over.
What I didn’t understand then, but which I’m learning, is that I was confusing detachment with isolation and separation. I was confusing clinging with attachment. The definition of detachment in Melody Beattie’s book, Courage to Change, is one that I especially like. Detachment isn’t a wall, it’s a bridge to a new way of approaching life and relationships. Some of my spiritual work now is deconstructing my walls and replacing them with bridges.
I suppose it wasn’t until I set roots after my children were born that I could even begin to wonder if my understanding of detachment was serving me. Part of that wondering led to looking at what and how I had attached myself to; things like unhealthy relationships with people, food, feelings, memories, ideas, and stories I told myself about who I was.
It was while I was discerning the future of my marriage that I began to understand what detaching in love truly meant. It was what led me to Al Anon recovery. It is what led me to food addiction recovery. It created space for me to discover God as I understand God today.
While I will always likely have the tendency towards disordered attachments and detachments, at least I can be aware and focus more on the bridges than the walls.
I invite you to reflect on the spiritual practice of detachment in your life. What bridges need building? Listen to what emerges.
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